© Copyright AXE-A-SCAM 2005 to 2019
The Wongs
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW .'
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
' FIX THE LIGHTS NOW ? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON 'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!'
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
' WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON 'T CLOSE RIGHT'
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
' FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON 'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'
'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON 'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ' TAYLOR WOODROW ' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON 'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB !!!!'
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, ' WELL , WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE .'
HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE' MR KIPLING ' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON 'T THINK SO!'
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'For reading a book,' she replies, 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to five women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent.
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check
A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.
One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest Johnson He had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.
'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
As he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a fukkin thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocke... more »
Brent has been in jail for 10 long years. The only thought that gets him through the day is woman's bellybuttons. He loves 'em. When he's in the shower, eating a meal, making license plates, sleeping, avoiding anal rape in the bathroom, that's all he can think about. So finally, he is released. They give him sixty-five dollars, a cheap suit, and send him on his way. He makes an immediate bee-line for the nearest whorehouse. Brent walks in and right up to the sleazy-looking guy behind the desk. "I need to lick a woman's navel!" he shouts. "Sorry, sir," the owner says. "We don't se... more »
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp. When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.' This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church... more »
One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician. "Doctor, this should not be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm celibate! I haven't had one of these for 30 years!" The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time". The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn't going away!" The doctor replied "You have tw... more »
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Wh... more »
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thank... more »
A bloke goes into the employment office in Brisbane for a look through the job vacancies, which doesn't take him very long, of course. Just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something. "Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $1,500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP17372D2." Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model ... more »
A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy... In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girls house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."
*Old Lady In Court Defense Attorney:* Will you please state your age? *Little Old Lady:* I am 86 years old. *Defense Attorney:* Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? *Little Old Lady:* There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. *Defense Attorney:* Did you know him? *Little Old Lady:* No, but he sure was friendly. *Defense Attorney:* What happened after he sat down? *Little Old Lady:* He started to rub my thigh. *Defense Attorney:* D... more »
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SA...more »
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, ... more »
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against he... more »
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said SLOW: SCHOO... more »
A little old guy is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about... more »
What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, ... more »
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against he... more »
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said SLOW: SCHOO... more »
A little old guy is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about... more »
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is
walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and
buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks
her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the
money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money,
the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her
shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest
coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the
priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,
"Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
*An older gentleman was* *On the operating table* *Awaiting surgery* *And he insisted that his son,* *A renowned surgeon,* *Perform the operation.* *As he was about to get the anesthesia,* *He asked to speak to his son* *'Yes, Dad, what is it? '* *'Don't be nervous, son;* *Do your best* *And just remember,**If it doesn't go well,* *If something happens to me,* *Your mother* *Is going to come and* *Live with you and your wife*
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa. ''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.
''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!
And me --
"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab"
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my
interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best
...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A
three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had **** in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair.. I'm still looking for
my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe
return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the
gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
The nose has a left and a right side; we use both to inhale and exhale. Actually they ar e different; you would be able to feel the difference. The right side represents the sun, left side represents the moon. During a headache, try to close your right nose and use your left nose to breathe. In about 5 mins, your headache will be gone? If you feel tired, just reverse, close your left nose and breathe through your right nose. After a while, you will feel your mind is refreshed. Right side belongs to 'hot', so it gets heated up easily, left side belongs to 'cold'. Most females breathe with their left noses, so they get "cooled off" faster. Most of the guys breathe with their right noses, they get worked up.
Do you notice the moment we wake up, which side breathes faster? Left or right? ? If left is faster, you will feel tired. So, close your left nose and use your right nose for breathing, you will get refreshed quickly. This can be taught to kids, but it is more effective when practiced by adults. My friend used to have bad headaches and was always visiting the doctor. There was this period when he suffered headache literally every night, unable to study. He took painkillers, did not work. He decided to try out the breathing therapy here: closed his right nose and breathed through his left nose. In less than a week, his headaches were gone! He continued the exercise for one month. This alternative natural therapy without medication is something that he has experienced. So, why not give it a try?
I've got a new set of wiper blades for my car (a Peugeot, made in France )..
I think they might be a bit too big because they hang over the
edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have
to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that don't
irritate me when they're working. Call me crazy, but lately I have
been driving around with them on even when it's not raining!!!.
The other day I was even pulled over by a cop who asked to go for a
ride so he could watch them work.
They were outrageously expensive (being French), but to my mind you
can't pay too much for safety and like I said, they work great. Let
me know if you would like a pair for your car and I'll give you the
contact website.
To see them scrolldown......
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I'm sure you'll approve of the impressive design and functionality but
like me you'll probably have some reservations about the washer option
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1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife is furious.
She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
> One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, > 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it > would take a few inches off of your butt!' > > His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such > a comment go unrewarded. > > The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his > drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' > cloud appeared when he shook them out. > > 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder > in my underwear?' > > She replied with a sn... more »
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a MAN UTD fan. > > She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are MAN UTD > fans. > > Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. > > The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why > didn't you raise your hand?' > > 'Because I'm not a Man UTD fan,' she replied. > > The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Man UTD > fan, then who are you a fan of?' > > 'I am a Liverpool fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. > > The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tel... more »
Testicle Therapy Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agon... more »
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I ... more »
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." It's quite ok," replied t... more »
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having se
... more
A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figures, what the hell, he'll give her a call. He quickly dials the number on the phone next to his bed. It rings and ... more »
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counselling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can ... more »
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. ... more »
You meet a guy, and you think that this is mister right. You need to figure out that it is indeed mister right or if this guy is "Mr. Rightnow" his distant cousin. These tips will help in giving you the clues to the correct individual. Tip 1 Does he work? Every good guy that you should be interested in has a job. The guy you just met normally will tell you about himself. If your's doesn't mention his job sort of ask how long he has been working at his current job. If he gives you an answer of less than a month or two and not years, move on. Only stay if he just changed after 5+ y... more »
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did bo... more »
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. T... more »
Rod was a very rich man that loved to get away from his demanding wife. He sometimes spend days from his wife and leave her home to spend his money While he goes to another house in the country. If she needed anything she could come out to the country as she does sometimes, just to get money or just to check up on him. While away on another trip he received a call from Ernesto, the person who does much of the work around his lavish property. "Hello, Mr. Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I ... more »
There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to wear some hot pink panties before I get on that plane. "What are you going to wear them for?" the other two asked. She replied, "Because if that plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, they'll find me first." The second lady said, "Well, I'm going to wear some florescent orange panties." "Why are you going to wear them?" the others asked. The second lady answered, "Because if the plane is going down and I'll ... more »
A young university student applied for a sales position in a large popular retail chain. The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home." Well, the boss liked the young lad so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale." The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average ... more »
A virile, young Brazilian man was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for doing' what comes naturally. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the... more »
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked. 'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do yo... more »
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy *again*, remarried,.. .. and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret re... more »
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as thoug... more »
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw t... more »
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card note, just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are ... more »
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about he... more »
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