This is a true & accurate Account.


       Of Our House Fire on 20th August 2005 

 and our dealings to date with 

AXA Insurance and Their Agents. 

Gab Robins Scully Tyrrell Ltd 

Policy No 12/16/208930607 

Ref No 05/2235118 

For the attention of the following: 

Edwin Armitage 
Niall Pritchard Gab Robins Scully Tyrrell Ltd 
Mr Philip Doyle AXA Insurance 
J.P.O’Neill (Chief Executive) AXA Insurance 
D. Holt (UK) AXA Insurance 
M.A. Cassels AXA Insurance 
P. G. Healy AXA Insurance 
P. Hubbard (UK) AXA Insurance 
P. Maso (FR) AXA Insurance 
F.De Meneval (FR) AXA Insurance 

Why are you trying to Scam Us. 

Do you treat all your customers this way. 
We Honestly could not recommend you. 
On the 20th August 2005 our 4 bed bungalow was destroyed by fire 
and all our possessions accumulated over a period of 33 years 
were totally lost. 
We rang AXA insurance on the following Monday to report the loss 
as they do not have a weekend service. 
They duly sent their people to the scene where they took photos ,and details 
of all the remains of our belongings ,and the structure of the house. 
At this stage my own Assessor who I engaged to look after my claim 
requested an interim payment for the purchase of clothing ,accommodation etc etc. 
Our assessor advised my Wife and myself to try and put a list of contents together . 
AXA insurance appointed Gab Robins Scully Tyrrell Ltd. (Limerick) 
as their loss adjusters. 
The person appointed by Gab Robins Scully Tyrrell was Edwin Armitage 

The AXA Insurance slogan 

AXA and You. Perfect Together. 
True or False you be the judge. 

They Should Change it to 

AXA  Insurance Scam You Perfect Together 

Three weeks later we received a cheque on account 
for 15,000 euro after several phone calls. 
A couple of weeks after the fire Edwin Armitage told us we could clear out the house 
but to keep all the clothes and the remainder of my large collection of clocks and watches for inspection. Approx 550 
These clothes were all smoke and water damage and were stored in 30 plastic bags in a shed. 
Months went bye and no news as to when we could start to re-build our home. 
Nobody turned up to inspect the clothes etc despite waiting at the 
house on a number of occasions on the instructions of Edwin Armitage. 
Eventually in November 2005 they sent us an interim payment to start the Re-Building. 
I could have been finished building by then and not have to spend 
our first Christmas away from home in 58 years. 
Edwin Armitage requested that we have the TVs checked to see 
if they were working and what guarantee could be got from the dealer. 
We contacted a company in Limerick and duly had the TVs delivered 
from storage to their premises for inspection. 
I spoke with the owner and told him I only wanted to have them checked 
and a letter in writing for the Insurance co stating if they could be guaranteed. 
Without our knowledge: 

The owner contacted Edwin Armitage The AXA Insurance Agent and asked him what to do (None of his Business) 
And Edwin Armitage told him to repair the TVs. 
The owner then phoned me asking for money before he would release 
them back into storage I asked what guarantee would he give if they were repaired and he said he could not even guarantee he would be alive tomorrow. Some Cowboy at that point I was informed of what Edwin Armitage had done. 
Eventually the Insurance co agreed to sell the TVs to this repair 
man and to allow us the cost of new TVs. some were already new. 
Received a few phone calls from Edwin asking where the remote controls 
were as the TVs would be useless without them, I replied that they were 
probably in storage with other items. 

A few days later I phoned Edwin to ask if I could dump the 
clothing as they were beginning to smell. 
He said I could dump all the clothes and keep the clocks and also warned me that 
I did not have the authority to contact him without going through my own assessor. 
He had no problem phoning me about the remotes did he. 
Christmas came and went and no news on the contents so I wrote a letter 
to my assessor complaining and he forwarded a copy to the Insurance Company. 
Then I was informed that after nearly 5 Months and no offer on the 
contents and no help what so ever from Edwin Armitage that he had 
been removed from dealing with my claim. (This Fact they denied later) 
The job was now given over to Edwins Boss a Mr Niall Pritchard. (AS Overseer) 
We taught at last we would be able to finalise the contents. 
We were totally wrong. 

Early in January My Wife and I met with Niall Pritchard,Edwin Armitage, and My own Assessor 
to discuss the prices for the contents. 
At that meeting Niall Pritchard agreed that all the clothes would not be assessed as old 
and that he would ask AXA to finalise the contents claim except for 
the clock collection and some Books. 
He further stated that my clocks ( approx 550) Books approx (300) and 1500 old Music Records would be valued as individual items and not as collections as they were bought over a period of 35 years 
He then went on to say we have a dirty job before us now to inspect the clothes 
He did not even know that his Employee Edwin Armitage had already told us 
to dispose of them several weeks before that. 
Another few weeks passed and we were informed that AXA would not agree to pay the balance leaving out the above items. They wished to settle the claim in full. 
They then some weeks later they made us an offer of less that 50% of the value with a take it or leave it attitude. and Philip Doyle of AXA Insuranceinformed me not to contact him again but to go through my accessor. We pay our subscription to AXA and not the accessor have we no rights. 
It is now the 26th Feb 2006 and our home is almost re- built 
no thanks to AXA or their Agents. 
We now have to try and finance the furnishing of the house as they have 
not given my Wife or myself anything towards the contents. 
They did however give us the sum of 30,000 euro toward my 
Daughters and sons belongings as they were building new houses 
at the time and all their possessions were also lost. 
So my Wife and Myself who are on disability pensions have to get finance to 
finish the building as AXA hold back a Percentage until we can prove that we spent it on the house. 

We also have to furnish the house such as beds,wardrobes, carpets, 
clothes, bed clothes and general household items. 
We have supplied AXA and their agents all the documents , 
photos prices etc that they requested several months ago. 
So we assume we are not humans only numbers. 
Well for reference our number is 05/2235118 
We had to pay the storage company by visa in order to get our kitchen appliances out of storage. 
I have also received a Solicitors letter from The Limerick Fire Service for charges. 
When are AXA going to pay. 
You can view photos of Our Home before and after the fire and also some 
of the vast amount of items lost in the fire 

AXA Insurance have stated that we have cover of the amount of 120,000 0n our contents 
this is not correct as our policy states that the contents are unlimited 
and to prove this we list below our renewal notice for2003 2005 and 2006 

Your Insurance 

Please pay your premium to: 47 O’CONNELL ST. LIMERICK (061) 315544 
Your policy falls due for renewal on the date shown 

Sum Insured/Limit Premium 1 Buildings Contents Motor Policy 
Discount Combination Discount Age Discount Renewal Premium 
ex Gov Levy 2% Government Levy Total Due 
Buildings €220000 
Contents Unlimited 

Please pay your premium before the renewal date shown, to: 
(061) 315544 

Your policy falls due for renewal on the date shown. Policy Number 12/16/208930607 
Renewal Date 08 DEC 2005 
Class of Insurance Home Insurance Section Sum Insured/Limit Premium 
Buildings Contents Motor Policy Discount Combination Discount 
Age Discount Claims Experience Loading Renewal Premium 
ex Gov Levy 2% Government Levy Total Due 
Buildings £242550 
Contents Unlimited 


This Schedule is attached to and forms part of the Policy numbered below. 
It replaces any previous Schedule which may have been issued in connection with this policy. 
Policy Number: 12/16/208930607 
Period of Cover: From 00:01 on 08/12/2005 to 24:00 on 07/12/2006 
Renewal date: 08/12/2006 

Sum insured Buildings €242,550 Yes – 
Total value of contents insured Unlimited cover 
Accidental Damage Cover Not Operative 
PERSONAL POSSESSIONS: Unspecified Risks – No Specified Risks – 
No Endorsements applicable. You would pay: €125 Incorporating 
PMPA Insurance DirectOrs J.P O’NeilljChief Executive), D. Holt (UKI. MA Cassells, 
PG. Healy. P Hubbard (UKI. P Maso (FRI. F. De Meneval (FR). 

AXA Insurance Limited is regulated by the Financial Regulator 
Would this be classed as SCAMMING, CHEATING 

(i) Our policy states unlimited contents cover. 

AXA say limit of 120,000 euro 

(2) AXA agents agreed to price my clock, books,records,watches as individual items 
(3 Witnesses to that fact) 

AXA now say they will be classed as a one item collection 

(3) AXA agreed to 12 months alternative accommodation My agent can verify this 

Now they say 29 weeks 

(4) AXA paid a so called clock expert to put a price on my clock collection. 
(The ones that the fire brigade left behind) 

They were asked to price on the basis of them being in good condition. 
The valuer was shown about 60 clocks and various wrist and pocket watches including 5 silver pocket watches dated about 1890 
He was shown an album I had with about 300 clocks taked in a previous 
house approx 18 years ago. 

He was shown photos of other clocks that were destroyed. 
The majority of the clock collection comprised of old wind up type 

His report states the majority would date from the 1950s with the exception of a few. 
The main types of clocks were battery , 
Said he saw one old silver pocket watch early 1900 
Valued Silver pocket watches at 20 euro early 1900 
Original clysdale budweiser clock he did not know the value. 
ladies solid gold watch approx 80 yrs old his comment was that a woman 
now days would not wear them. 

Lets Correct His Report 

He glanced at approx 60 burnt clocks out of over 500 
20 watches including 5 silver pocket watches 
The vast majority of my collection were old wind up clocks 
and key clocks as were the pocket watches 

You can view the clocks & watches he saw in my album as Marked 

Where would you get a 1890 silver key wind up pocket watch for 20 euro 


I put my story on a web page and sent it to AXAs Agents and to AXA Insurance. 
My email to AXA was returned by a mail sweeper attached to their web site 
So much for customer relations. 
We feel AXA and their Agents and some of their Staff are guilty of breach of Contract ,misconduct and bordering on defamation of character. (DO YOU) 
Some time after this AXA sent us the final payment on the 
Buildings without asking for any or all the building receipts 
which they said originally that they would want before they 
would release the final payment. 
They also sent us a cheque on the contents which amounted to approx 30% of what we claimed. 

For the record we would like to state the following: 
The majority of prices we submitted for both my 
own and my wife’s possessions were taken from Ebay sites 
We never claimed anything except what we lost moreover 
we omitted to claim for several items like kitchen table 
and chairs 600 euro value Water softener 1200 Euro 
value wedding albums and lots of small items that we did not think of. 
If we were dishonest we could have taken advantage of the unlimited contents clause. 
My daughter and her husband also lost all their possessions as did my son. 


We wrote to AXA thanking them for both cheques and stating that we at no time agreed to the contents claim and as far as we were concerned this was only an interim payment. 
They duly sent us a reply saying if we can prove our loss they would look at it. 


We have sent them all the documentation, Photos,prices etc etc that they asked for but they still do not seem to want to do the honest thing and HONOUR their policy agreements. 
We have requested through our agent some weeks ago for an itemised list of what they have allowed us for each item claimed and when we get this we will give you the readers a chance to see what they think you can buy personal and household goods for. 

We would like to thank you for reading this in the hope that others will not have the same trouble in dealing with arrogant faceless Insurance Companies. 
All your comments will be appreciated. 

Up to 2nd of May 2006 in the 9th Month since the fire. 

Continuation of our story Dated 25th January 2007 

Up to the 5th August 2006 we had three offers all adding up to much the same. 
They just revised some items and deducted more from previous offer and made no offers at all on several items. 
That was when they told us to go to arbitration. 
So we had to hire a solicitor to make matters worse. 
The solicitor wrote to AXA Insurance Co on 4th August 2006 requesting them to nominate three choices for an arbitrator. 
They replied on the 18th Sept 2006 stating they had passed it to their own solicitors. 
No more communication until Philip Doyle of AXA wrote on 23rd November 2006 giving the name of their Solicitors. 
Next communication was from AXA Solicitors to Our Solicitors stating they were having trouble contacting the correct person in AXA regarding our claim that was on 9th January 2007. 
So from 4th August 2006 up to today the 25th January 2007 we managed to get their Solicitors Name. (Are they not just plain incompetent I ask you) 
I rang the dublin office to find out who was in charge of my case so I could inform my Solicitor who in turn could inform AXA solicitor. 
Just to try and speed things up. 
The person in Dublin office came back to me and said and I quote: 
Philip Doyle said to tell you if you required and information go through your Solicitor. 
So much for Ignorance. 

Who was our contract with or do we loose all our rights. 

They can pester us with their stupid letters but we are not allowed to ask a question. 

I suppose that is what they call democracy. 

Let me tell all you democratic people in AXA I will never stop till the day I die advertising this story. And if you close it down I will open it up again over and over. 

I am in the process of adding more documents here for you the viewers to see. 
I will tell you how they managed to have my policy terminated by some of their Incompetent Staff Both in Limerick and Dublin 

See for yourselves how AXA Insurance 
cancelled our Home Insurance Policy 

The following Is How AXA Insurance Company had our 

Home Insurance policy cancelled for whatever 

reason you be the judge. 

Letter No 1 dated 5th Oct 2006 
from AXA 


Phone No. 189028 28 22 

5th October 2006 

Policy No 208930607 

Dear MRS 

Please: ­Check all the details on the enclosed schedule carefully 

as this reflects the cover provided by your policy with effect 

from 8th Dec at 00.01.If any of the information is wrong please 

contact us at once on our service line 1850 28 28 22 

Remember, should you have any queries our lines are open from 

8am – 6pm Monday to Friday Thank you for your custom and we 

look forward to being of service to you in the future.Remember, 

should you have any queries our lines are open from 8am – 6pm 

Monday to Friday 

Thank you for your custom and we look forward to being of 

service to you in the future. 

Yours sincerely, 

Michael Cullen 

The forms were filled up and sent to 

Dublin office the next few days 

Letter No 2 Dated 1st November 2006 from AXA 

Wolfe Tone Street Dublin 1 
Ref No:P208930607/001 Date:01 November 2006 

Insured : Mrs 
Policy No : 12/16/208930607 Renewal Date : 08/12/2006 

Dear Mrs XXXX  I refer to your Policy which falls due for renewal on the date shown above. 

At present we are updating our records, and in this regard we require the enclosed proposal form fully completed and returned. 

We shall contact you further on receipt of your reply. 

Brian Kelly 

Sent all the requested details to Dublin office the next week but they were sent back again looking for more info which we duly sent them. 

Letter No 3 Dated 17th November 2006 from AXA 


Wolfe Tone Street Dublin 1 


Ref No:P208930607/002 Date:17 November 2006 

Insured : Mrs XXXXX 

POlicy No : 12/16/208930607 

Renewal Date : 08/12/2007 

Dear Mrs XXXX 

We refer to our letter of 01/11/2006 (copy enclosed) 

and note that as 

yet we have received no reply. If a reply is not received 
before the above renewal date, we will assume 

that alternative arrangements 

have been made for your Home insurance and 

your policy will be cancelled 
from the renewal date. No further reminders will be issued. 

Brian Kelly 
All documents asked for were handed into the Limerick Office 
on 29th November 2006 by my Wife. 
Once again I asked how much was my renewal so that I could pay. 

Letter No 4 dated 14th December 2006 from AXA 


TEL.: (061) 315544 

Date: 14 December 2006 



Re: HOUSE Policy 

Policy number 16/208930607 

Amount O/S €1,278.40 

Renewal date 08/12/2006 

Dear Ms. XXXXXX 

We are writing to advise you that you may have overlooked to pay 

your renewal premium. The above policy fell due for renewal 

on the date shown and according too our records : the 

premium-has not been received. 

We are pleased to advise you that continuity of your policy cover will 

be maintained where the payment received is prior to 01/01/2007, otherwise 

your policy will lapse from midnight on 07/12/2006. 

If your payment has crossed with this letter, please accept our apologies 

and ignore this notice. However, do not hesitate to contact us for assistance 

if you have any queries. 

Yours sincerely, 



Letter not Signed 

This was the first notification of the annual amount received despite about 12 phone calls to Limerick and Dublin 

After receiving this letter I personally rang Dan Pyke and he said and I quote : 

1000s of letters go out with my name on them but I will look up the letter for you. 

He said he did not know where they got the figures from 
they were rubbish he said 

Leave it with me and I will sort it out and get back to you. 

Never heard from him again. 

P.S. He said the amount was rubbish but it came from his office with his name on it 

Letter No 5 Dated 16th January 2007 

Limerick Branch 47 O’Connell St. Limerick 

Tel: (061) 315544 

Ref No:P208930607/004 Date:16 January 2007 

Insured : Mrs XXXXXXXX 

Policy No : 12/16/208930607 Renewal Date : 08/12/2007 


We are writing to remind you that following the recent policy alteration an amount 

of €457.76 remains unpaid. 

Payment may be made by cash, cheque, or postal order. You may also pay by 

credit/debit card, either by telephone or by calling personally to any of 

our branch offices. 

We would ask you to give this matter your early attention and we look 

forward to receiving your payment. 

Should the premium remain outstanding fourteen days from the date of this 
letter, we may have to consider exercising our option of withdrawing cover. 

We trust, however, this course of action will not be necessary. 

If you have already paid, and your payment has crossed with this letter, 

please ignore this reminder. 
Yours sincerely 


Branch Manager 

At this stage after their Dublin office confirmed by phone that the 

amount of 1278.40 euro Was the correct figure I had no choice but to secure alternative Home Insurance elsewhere. 

Letter No 6 Dated 30th January 2007 

Limerick Branch 47 O’Connell St. Limeric 

Tel: (061) 315544 
Ref No:P208930607/005 Date:30 January 2007 

Insured : Mrs XXXXXXXXX 
Policy No : 12/16/208930607 Renewal Date : 08/12/2007 



We refer to our previous letter reminding outstanding premium of €457.76 under your request payment 

As we have- not received your payment we must now inform you that 
we are invoking the cancellation condition of your policy and give notice that all cover will cease and the Policy will cancel with effect from midnight on 11/02/2007. 

If there is a lending agency noted on your policy they will be advised of the cancellation. 

Yours sincerely 


Branch Manager 

Rang Dan Pyke on 1st Feb 2007 after receiving this letter and told him 

that I was in contact with their Dublin office early January 2007 to 

query the amount of 1278.40 as my Home Insurance was up 

since 8th Dec 2006 

and the lady I spoke to said that the figure 1278.40 quoted 

was the correct figure. 

He then said they had re assessed the figure (however no one told US) 

I told him I had to get alternative Insurance because of the 

way AXA were treating us and he replied I cannot comment on that 

( Some Manager how are you) 

The Lady in Dublin (If that is what you could call her) 

Also went on to say that my figure for contents was very high and that 

people could be claiming to have a boat in their garage when they did not etc etc 

I found these remarks most offensive and bordering on slander 

as she knew we had an ongoing claim with AXA and I informed her there 

and then that we never claimed for anything that we did not have on the 

contrary we omitted several items and most of our prices were taken fron 

sites like EBAY 

She went on to tell me she had moved into a new home recently and she 

had her own contents Insured for 15000 and it was more than adequate 

She then cut me short and said and I quote: 

I should have been at home 10 minutes ago as I have a small child. 

What was she trying to say to me I still wonder. 
(Nice customer relations would you not say) 

My contents were listed as 60000 which is not a huge amount 

Today is the 2nd of February 2007 and I am just beginning to 
advertise this web site. It is already listed in Google search plus 
numerous other web sites. 
Before I am finished they will understand what it means to 
have principles and stand by them. 
Because if you have none you are nothing. 
Y s the money they owe us is important but having said that 
knowing you are right and standing up for what you believe in 
is just as important. 

P.S. They must have an abundance of staff to spare because there has been at least 4 differnt people sending us letter regarding the above. 

Update 11th March 2007 Final Conclusion to Claim. 
Early in February 2007 while I was away in Spain recuperating from 
a cancer operation etc a phone message was left at my home asking 
me to contact Aine Sparks of AXA Insurance. 
When I got home on the Sunday I phoned the mobile Number that was 
left for me and spoke to this very nice lady who requested a meeting with 
my wife and myself to try and finalise the claim. 
We agreed to the meeting and duly met Aine Sparks at our home on Monday 13th February 2007 
The meeting lasted about 2 hours and after our discussion we agreed 
on a final settlement figure for the contents. After this she produced a pre written home Insurance policy in our names free of charge for 12 months 
as a gesture for what AXA had done to us 

Big Deal where was the written apology to मय 
Wife and Myself for 2 years of hell. 
We can never say we were happy with what AXA and their Agents done to us and just hope that they might in future change the way they treat the people that keep them in their jobs. 
I also said I would take down my blog sites from the Internet but she did not request this at the meeting. 
I have left it up to finish our story and to be fair to all the people who have seen the web site. 
We would like to thank all the people who have viewed this web site and feel without their support our claim would not be finalised. 
We would also like to thank Aine Sparkes of AXA Inssurance for her 
kindness and understanding and all her very nice comments. 
Pity there are so very few people like her. Since our house fire in August 2005 she is the only person who has actually spoken to us as humans and not just a policy number. 
The reason for this is that the people who own this type of arrogant Company 
have no morals. (I would call them the rich jerks who get fat from other peoples misery.) 
She also rang me a few days ago to say she had got back my album of clocks I had loaned to their agents and had requested the return of same over the past 12 months as it was the only record of what my clock collection looked like. 

Again our deepest thanks to all who helped: 
P.S I received my album in the post today with the front and back 
covers missing and alot of the photos also missing. 

Yes I am still very angry and will probably never get over what they done to us. 
Therefore I am not going to take down my web sites for at lease the same amount of time they took to agree on our claim. 
Maybe by then they will come to realize what it is like to be treated like SHIT 

© Copyright AXE-A-SCAM 2005 to 2019

Some Jokes For You 

The Wongs 
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. 
The next year,  the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,  but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' 
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,  so I think we will name him... 
Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong 




Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life,

 between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the

 Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,

 sitting in church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

 The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
 the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time

I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."










COUPLE OF HOURS................. 








Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'For reading a book,' she replies, 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.  MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to five women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent.

Adult   Riddles ~

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?  A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Q. What's a mixed feeling?  A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Q. What's the height of conceit?  A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?  A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Q.. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? 
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?  A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Q.Why is divorce so expensive?  A. Because it's worth it!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Q. What is a Yankee?  A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?  A. They both like a tight seal.   

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?  A. Their balls are just for decoration.  

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?  A. About three inches.  

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?  A. The grip.  

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?  A. It's not hard.  

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?  A: 45 pounds.  

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?  A: 45 minutes.   

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  A: Breasts don't have eyes.  

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?  A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. 

 Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?  A . They don't have balls to scratch! 

 OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody.  Live well, laugh hard, & love dearly!

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.



Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

6 Classic Affairs


The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair 
With his secretary. 

One day they went to her place 
And made love all afternoon. 

Exhausted, they fell asleep 
And woke up at 8 PM. 

The man hurriedly dressed 
And told his lover to take his shoes 
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. 

He put on his shoes and drove home. 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. 
We had sex all afternoon.' 

She looked down at his shoes and said: 

'You lying bastard! 
You've been playing golf!' 

The 2nd Affair 

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters 
But always talked about having a son. 

They decided to try one last time 
For the son they always wanted 

The wife got pregnant 
And delivered a healthy baby boy. 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery 
To see his new son. 

He was horrified at the ugliest child 
He had ever seen. 

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can 
Be the father of this baby. 
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! 
Have you been fooling around behind my back?' 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 
'No, not this time!' 

The 3rd Affair 

A mortician was working late one night. 

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, 
About to be cremated, 
And made a startling discovery. 
Schwartz had the largest Johnson He had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician 
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated 
With such an impressive private part. 
It must be saved for posterity.' 

So, he removed it, 
Stuffed it into his briefcase, 
And took it home. 

'I have something to show 
You won't believe,' he said to his wife, 
Opening his briefcase. 

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 
'Schwartz is dead!' 

The 4th Affair 

A woman was in bed with her lover 
When she heard her husband 
Opening the front door. 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' 

She rubbed baby oil all over him, 
Then dusted him with talcum powder. 

'Don't move until I tell you,' 
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 

'What's this?' the husband inquired 
As he entered the room. 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it 
So I got one for us, too.' 

No more was said, 
Not even when they went to bed. 

Around 2 AM the husband got up, 
Went to the kitchen and returned 
With a sandwich and a beer. 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. 
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths 
And nobody offered me a fukkin thing.' 

The 5th Affair 

A man walked into a cafe, 
Went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: 
'How much for a nice juicy steak 
And a bottle of wine?' 

'A nickel,' the barman replied. 

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 
'Where's the guy who owns this place?' 

The bartender replied: 
'Upstairs, with my wife.' 

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs 
With your wife?' 

The bartender replied: 
'The same thing I'm doing 
To his business down here.' 

The 6th & Best Affair 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. 

He looked up and said weakly: 
'I have something I must confess.' 

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 

'No,' he insisted, 
'I want to die in peace. 
I slept with your sister, your best friend, 
Her best friend, and your mother!' 

'I know,' she replied. 
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

A man walks into a restaurant

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocke... more »

Brent has been in jail for 10 long years

Brent has been in jail for 10 long years. The only thought that gets him through the day is woman's bellybuttons. He loves 'em. When he's in the shower, eating a meal, making license plates, sleeping, avoiding anal rape in the bathroom, that's all he can think about. So finally, he is released. They give him sixty-five dollars, a cheap suit, and send him on his way. He makes an immediate bee-line for the nearest whorehouse. Brent walks in and right up to the sleazy-looking guy behind the desk. "I need to lick a woman's navel!" he shouts. "Sorry, sir," the owner says. "We don't se... more »

Cake for the Baptist Church

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp. When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.' This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church... more »

One morning the Pope awoke

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician. "Doctor, this should not be possible," he said, "I'm the Pope, and I'm celibate! I haven't had one of these for 30 years!" The doctor's reply was, "Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time". The Pope exclaimed "But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn't going away!" The doctor replied "You have tw... more »

Barracks door

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Wh... more »

Use the Gold Phone

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thank... more »


A bloke goes into the employment office in Brisbane for a look through the job vacancies, which doesn't take him very long, of course. Just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something. "Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $1,500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP17372D2." Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model ... more »

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy... In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

On Valentines Day

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girls house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

Old Lady In Court Defense Attorney:

*Old Lady In Court Defense Attorney:* Will you please state your age? *Little Old Lady:* I am 86 years old. *Defense Attorney:* Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? *Little Old Lady:* There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. *Defense Attorney:* Did you know him? *Little Old Lady:* No, but he sure was friendly. *Defense Attorney:* What happened after he sat down? *Little Old Lady:* He started to rub my thigh. *Defense Attorney:* D... more »

A wife was making a breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SA...more »

What, you ask

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, ... more »


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against he... more »

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said SLOW: SCHOO... more »

A little old guy

A little old guy is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about... more »

What, you ask

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, ... more »


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against he... more »

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said SLOW: SCHOO... more »

A little old guy

A little old guy is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about... more »

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Some More Jokes

No Panties

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is
walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and
buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks
her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the
money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money,
the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her
shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest
coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the
priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,
"Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

Operating table

*An older gentleman was* *On the operating table* *Awaiting surgery* *And he insisted that his son,* *A renowned surgeon,* *Perform the operation.* *As he was about to get the anesthesia,* *He asked to speak to his son* *'Yes, Dad, what is it? '* *'Don't be nervous, son;* *Do your best* *And just remember,**If it doesn't go well,* *If something happens to me,* *Your mother* *Is going to come and* *Live with you and your wife*

The fairy

PLEAS, BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WISHES....thi shouls make your day
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband'. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me'. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female..... SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

Four fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job.... 

An Arabic family

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.

After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.

''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa. ''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.

''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?! 

And me --

"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab"


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that 
sparked my 
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little 
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. 
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no 
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate 
time to retreat to safety....?? 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it 
home. I 
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. 
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd 
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the 


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is 
on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that 
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently 
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving 
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a 
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, 
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself 
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as 
advertised. Am I wrong? 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading 
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, 
and tazer in another. 
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle 
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst 
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish 
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting 
the batteries. 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" 
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, 
bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to 
one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one 
second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that 
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... 


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and 
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the 
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! 
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an 
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the 
living room. 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one 
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when 
you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is 
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A
three second burst would be considered conservative! 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing 
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up 
and surveyed the landscape. 
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The 
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it 
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still 
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and 
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. 

Apparently I had **** in my shorts, but was too numb to know for 
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair.. I'm still looking for 
my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe 

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the 
gift and 
now regularly threatens me with it! 

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Breathing Therapy

The nose has a left and a right side; we use both to inhale and exhale. Actually they ar e different; you would be able to feel the difference. The right side represents the sun, left side represents the moon. During a headache, try to close your right nose and use your left nose to breathe. In about 5 mins, your headache will be gone? If you feel tired, just reverse, close your left nose and breathe through your right nose. After a while, you will feel your mind is refreshed. Right side belongs to 'hot', so it gets heated up easily, left side belongs to 'cold'. Most females breathe with their left noses, so they get "cooled off" faster. Most of the guys breathe with their right noses, they get worked up.

Do you notice the moment we wake up, which side breathes faster? Left or right? ? If left is faster, you will feel tired. So, close your left nose and use your right nose for breathing, you will get refreshed quickly. This can be taught to kids, but it is more effective when practiced by adults. My friend used to have bad headaches and was always visiting the doctor. There was this period when he suffered headache literally every night, unable to study. He took painkillers, did not work. He decided to try out the breathing therapy here: closed his right nose and breathed through his left nose. In less than a week, his headaches were gone! He continued the exercise for one month. This alternative natural therapy without medication is something that he has experienced. So, why not give it a try?

New Wipers

I've got a new set of wiper blades for my car (a Peugeot, made in France )..

I think they might be a bit too big because they hang over the
edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have
to say that they are the only blades I have ever had that don't
irritate me when they're working. Call me crazy, but lately I have
been driving around with them on even when it's not raining!!!.

The other day I was even pulled over by a cop who asked to go for a
ride so he could watch them work.

They were outrageously expensive (being French), but to my mind you
can't pay too much for safety and like I said, they work great. Let
me know if you would like a pair for your car and I'll give you the
contact website.

To see them scrolldown......




I'm sure you'll approve of the impressive design and functionality but
like me you'll probably have some reservations about the washer option

Difference Between Men and Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

A Kind Lawyer

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. 

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." 

The lawyer replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"


A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious.

She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

Underwear Dust

> One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, > 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it > would take a few inches off of your butt!' > > His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such > a comment go unrewarded. > > The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his > drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' > cloud appeared when he shook them out. > > 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder > in my underwear?' > > She replied with a sn... more »

SOME Premier League mudslinging

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a MAN UTD fan. > > She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are MAN UTD > fans. > > Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. > > The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why > didn't you raise your hand?' > > 'Because I'm not a Man UTD fan,' she replied. > > The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Man UTD > fan, then who are you a fan of?' > > 'I am a Liverpool fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. > > The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tel... more »

Testicle Therapy

Testicle Therapy Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agon... more »

Bagpipe Funeral

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I ... more »

Manageable situation.

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." It's quite ok," replied t... more »

Old memories.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having se

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Outside Line

A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figures, what the hell, he'll give her a call. He quickly dials the number on the phone next to his bed. It rings and ... more »

Sex V Dancing..

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counselling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can ... more »

"I'm so pissed off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. ... more »

You meet a guy

You meet a guy, and you think that this is mister right. You need to figure out that it is indeed mister right or if this guy is "Mr. Rightnow" his distant cousin. These tips will help in giving you the clues to the correct individual. Tip 1 Does he work? Every good guy that you should be interested in has a job. The guy you just met normally will tell you about himself. If your's doesn't mention his job sort of ask how long he has been working at his current job. If he gives you an answer of less than a month or two and not years, move on. Only stay if he just changed after 5+ y... more »

December 8 - 6:00 PM

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did bo... more »

A young cowboy from Wyoming

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. T... more »

Rod was a very rich man

Rod was a very rich man that loved to get away from his demanding wife. He sometimes spend days from his wife and leave her home to spend his money While he goes to another house in the country. If she needed anything she could come out to the country as she does sometimes, just to get money or just to check up on him. While away on another trip he received a call from Ernesto, the person who does much of the work around his lavish property. "Hello, Mr. Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I ... more »

The black box

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to wear some hot pink panties before I get on that plane. "What are you going to wear them for?" the other two asked. She replied, "Because if that plane goes down and I'm out there laying butt-up in a cornfield, they'll find me first." The second lady said, "Well, I'm going to wear some florescent orange panties." "Why are you going to wear them?" the others asked. The second lady answered, "Because if the plane is going down and I'll ... more »

A young university student

A young university student applied for a sales position in a large popular retail chain. The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home." Well, the boss liked the young lad so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale." The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average ... more »

A virile, young Brazilian

A virile, young Brazilian man was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for doing' what comes naturally. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the... more »

Fresh from my shower

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked. 'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do yo... more »

Judy got married

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy *again*, remarried,.. .. and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret re... more »

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as thoug... more »

A man playing on a new golf course

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw t... more »

When you are sad

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card note, just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are ... more »

A woman decides to have a face lift

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about he... more »



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